I’ve been feeling the need to get my thoughts out on paper, or in this case in text.

For a while, I’ve sort of been in a slump regarding where I want to be in life and where I really am in life. A few things hit me recently.

As much as I like the job that I’ve got, I’m not satisfied. I don’t get paid nearly as much as I should to do the job I’m doing. Over a year ago, I approached my manager about becoming full-time or possibly an assistant manager. Still to this day, I don’t have either title. I’ve been there for three years and I do the work and don’t get the title or the pay for it. The title doesn’t mean anything and the pay doesn’t either. I would make maybe fifty cents more to do twice the amount of work I’m doing now. Not worth it. And if I moved up in the company, the only thing I would feel is stuck. It isn’t going to benefit me in the long run, it’s just going to keep me right where I am. 

The realization that I don’t like where I am in my life and the knowledge that I can change where I am at any given time and change the things I don’t like is helping me make some changes. 

I want a 8-5 or 9-5 day job. I’d like to enjoy my nights and enjoy my weekends. I want to get paid at least $9 an hour, I’d love to make more than that ideally though. I don’t want anything less than full-time and I want something that I can actually move up in some day if it’s something that interests me. 

Once I achieve that goal, I’ll be a lot closer to finding happiness or the idea of happiness I have in my head. I just want a full-time job, money and a place to call my own.

For the most part, I really am happy. Despite the home situation with my dad and the fact that we don’t get along, nor have we ever. The constant fighting, bickering and unappreciation for eachother gets old. I know in his heart he cares about me and he’s only grumpy because he knows I can do better for myself and he’s upset with my mom not being here.

For years I’ve dated many different kinds of guys, some were good and some not so good. I’ve learned a lot through this process. I know what I want and what I don’t want. I don’t want a hook up, I don’t want to waste my time. I want something real and I deserve something real. I’ve only really given my heart to one person and in a way, he still has my heart and a part of me knows he always will. A guy who I met when I was 16 and never imagined dating soon became the guy I fell in love with and planned a future with. For a year, a ring was on my finger. A ring that meant that we had a love that would turn into a marriage and a love that allowed us to get through any obstacle together. Some days I miss that ring. I miss the comfort of knowing that I was always making someone else proud. The way he made me feel. A connection that made sense only to us and a connection everyone saw. He moved on with his life. He has an incredible job, a beautiful apartment in Ohio and he’s giving someone else a chance for the first time since me. I can’t help but think that I was supposed to be the one he shared his success with. I loved you first. I love you still. I always will.

I think a lot of the time I put all this work and effort into a relationship I know is never going to work out because I have to know in my heart that I tried because I should have tried harder before. And I know in my heart that I deserve someone who can make me feel that way again.